“Wow, after reading your posts I couldn’t wait to get home and start wanking over chillingly inappropriate pornography. Everything you said made absolutely no fucking sense to me whatsoever and it was a pleasure to be so fucking confused by your lame-ass attempts at trying to be clever. Thanks to you, I can only get hard over Cenobites and I’m considering sewing up my wife’s eyes and inverting her tits. Cheers again!”

Michael Litoris-Cambridge

 

“I do wish you the best for the future, by which I mean I hope you die of fucking cancer; the nasty kind, right in your balls. Your blog was truly a waste of my time and I’m thrilled to have read it as I took a shit this afternoon. I’d already wiped my arse on the newspaper so I was stuck for reading matter. Your blog was just the right type of irrelevant bollocks to pass my time as I heaved one out. Unfortunately, I wiped my ass on my iPad by mistake and the screen got all shitty. Apple won’t take it back in that condition. Thanks, mate.”

Jonah Cuntryman-Worcestershire

 

“This blog is highly offensive to Muslims and the mentally ill. However, being a Muslim I do not recognize mental illness else I’d have to question the entire fabric of my faith. Instead, it is clear that the author is possessed by Shaytan from a medical point of view. I prescribe three hadith and a session of obsessive foot-washing. Take twice a day after food. Khuda hafiz!”

Doctor P. Chandhasra-East Lothian

 

“Aster sisteen pints of lager an a Mamba spliff, your blog made purrfect senz to mi. I unnerstan everyting an i’m gonn a rite a book bout my life. i’ll call it ‘uuuh….fuggit'”

Craig Crewcut-Ilkeston

 

“We regret to inform the author that the above idiot has sadly passed away, probably some time on Tuesday although nobody actually gave a shit until Saturday when the smell offended Mrs. Cutler at number six. He had taken an overdose of Cillit Bang and forced himself to watch reruns of Geordie Shore until his mind collapsed and his organs died of intolerance. We thought you should be made aware.”

Sgt. Bill Maynard-Derbyshire Constabulary

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